Self Esteem

What is self esteem?

Self esteem is simply confidence in oneself. It is the absence of self doubt. The lack of self esteem is the failure or inability to believe in oneself. Acknowledging your existence and accepting the reality of you are first steps into believing that you are worthy, regardless of what is said about you. I understand esteem as acknowledging one's flaws and owning it; the presence of awareness. You only have esteem when you are immune to criticism. Esteem comes naturally to you when you are patient enough to know who you are. I will be giving details on narcissism, how shyness is related to esteem, the issue of rape and the truth about peer pressure.

You are what you attract. Spending time with positive people will have positive impact on you. When you surround yourself with people who are interested in their own well-being, you will subconsciously become more interested in yours. And if by nature, you know such a man who hides his vulnerability in the guise of strength and then act in a certain way towards women, for instance, mistreat them, you find out that only self-depreciating women will be attracted to such men and these are women who keep on supporting him and getting back to him even despite his actions and do the most to make the relationship work. Why do women go back? Simple. It is the result of emotional dependence. 

Such women and even men seek completion through people who make them feel great about themselves. They despise being alone, seek attention and are driven by pure self interest. They think very high of themselves and want to make the woman really dependent on them. They have this "you are nothing without me" mentality. If you do not believe in yourself, you'd seek others to do this and those whom you will attract always seek something else in return because someone who is enlightened will know what one has to do for oneself. Seeking 'validation' drives you to mentally imbalanced people, because life is a give-take thing for them. They need to use the manipulative power over another. Anyone who is whole knows that they need no one to be complete and they are the ones who motivate and guide you. But you boost the ego of those whom you reach out to for validation just by reaching out and because you are the exact person needed, you are hated for this and the ego is in turn used against you; which makes them eventually do the opposite of your wish. 

Then with this manifested inflated ego, he seeks to make the woman feel inferior. The very person you depend upon for praises will be given the same power to shatter you. It will first seem like an initiation process. They ensure that you really want what you asked for and with innate charm, which is very peculiar of them, they give you plenty of care and time until you're emotionally dependent on him and then you grant him power over you by giving that which you possess, to him, sacrificing your own power, your inner guide. This is when your proposal is then used against you. The woman sought for something before getting involved in the relationship and that thing is called validation. Validation means, 'I do not believe I can do this, I need someone to believe I can, someone to accept me, approve of me so I can feel among'. Validation is mostly a result of some childhood memories. 

When this happens, the woman's confidence gets ruined and she loses sense of who she is and a new identity is formed and given to her. The man degrades the woman's dignity and tell her that she has none, devalue and dehumanize her during arguments. They shatter her self esteem through gaslighting and lying and later blame her for having none. They drive you mad and then refer to you as a psychopath. This is where they get their power from, the feeling of getting to conquer and this is all a result of insecurity and low esteem. They drive you to do things which you do not want to and then the blame has to be on you if any issues come forth. 

It is this man who'd give her an identity, he'd be the one to tell her when she does right or wrong by making use of all sorts of manipulative tactics and she is going to believe it all, as she has not learned acceptance, not to talk of love. Instead of him agreeing to what she says or thinks she is, he tells her what to believe and it depends on her power to actually believe in him or to be aware of his delusions. It will be easier to control the woman when she believes everything said to her and has nothing to think of (on her own). Of course he knows that she is good and aware, the reason he accepted her in the first place, but he refuses to acknowledge this fact and becomes delusional. He only seeks to destroy that which she has in order to gain more strength and when he gains strength, her own power reduces to the extent that she thinks she is bad. Women are like flowers, what the man does to her determines how she will end up being and feeling and this is the time she gets back to square one. But if powerful enough, she regains all power she has lost to use against him and if not, she ends up losing to him.

And if he is driven by strength, he will resort to physical violence. She could end up becoming masochistic that she does not mind the pain anymore and by this, she contributes to her horrors and becomes part of it, she no longer becomes a victim but a partaker also, just like Eve was both victim and partaker. This is, if she ends up losing. Such men, in essence, are the best solutions because they are the ones to heal the woman of the pain caused by them. He knows best how to make her feel okay. She has given him all power. He is the only one who knows what she wants. He is the caring stress reliever while she thinks she is weak and nothing without him. She is obsessed and trapped and funnily, she engages in self-deception by calling this love. 

In order to love unconditionally, you have to be complete and accept yourself completely, accept who you are and be proud of it, especially the flaws. This is what is called maturity. Your first priority should have nothing to do with seeking anything outside that which is within. This is all to show you that people with low self esteem will always attract people with low self esteem. It is the law of affinity. We attract what we are. So do watch out, how do you attract this person. What is the connection? When you lack esteem, you bring those without it close to you, when you are confident in yourself, you attract people with equal energy. 

ARE YOU WORTHY OF LOVE?

In today's age of technology, work life and the social media, humans are becoming less seen but are trying so hard to be recognized. Even in family, you are not recognized until you do this or that, until you accomplish one thing or the other. Find your own identity and claim it. Your self worth should not be thought as others' opinion. That is more like decreasing your worth. You boost your esteem by 'using' the number of instagram followers and seek respect but ignore your own reality. The number is proof you're looked up to and impact on them but it is not compulsory to do something which everyone likes; not everything is about consumer choice. People are very lonely these days and seek things and people who will make them smile. This is why you should be nice. Doing things people do not like sometimes is good for you because the main goal is not to be liked. It is the first step to becoming an individual.

Those with relationship contingent self esteem are people whose self esteem depend on their relationship status. Now we manage time as time passes. When you are not married at the age of twenty seven, you already are a dead meat and marriage is turned into an achievement. You do not have to do things to feel worthy because you are worthy as you are and you are really loved by God to be here, it is not when you get married, not when you get that job, not even when you have fulfilled your deepest wishes.

This is the unhealthy self esteem. Worthiness is knowing you belong and no one is going to take that feeling away from you. When you make your friend like you by taking sides in right or wrong, 'arse-kissing' as it is called, even when you know what is right, then you have issues with your self esteem. 

It is only when you are perceptive enough that will you see the truth and only if you are willing. For me, the impossible only takes a long time. When you do not acknowledge your flaws, you cannot heal as it will bite deeper inside you. People with no self awareness are some of the most ignorant people in life. They engage in self-deception. When you understand yourself, it is easy to remain happy and peaceful, even with whatever goes on around you and when you are, your companions will notice and want to be like you. This is what is called admiration. This is how you know that you are respected. But if you do not understand yourself, you will do anything which you yourself, will not even understand how it happens; you will do unconscious things. You should know this, all things happen within you, not only esteem.

Self esteem means integrity to oneself; following your intuition, having your values and sticking to that. It is acceptance of who you are. But when you realize that you are as important as everyone else, you do not have to look down upon those with the doubt. This should not lead to over-confidence or make you a conceited fellow. You do not have to control anything you have no control over if you are satisfied with your being. Integrity is morality, stick to your morals, principles and standard. Think for yourself, listen to your feelings without losing your mind through narcotics. Honor your consciousness by honoring reality. To honor consciousness is to honor self esteem. 

He is rich or poor according to what he is, not according to what he has.

- Henry Ward Beecher

Is shyness a result of low self esteem?

Does it involve fear? People think I'm scared of them when I'm inhibited and I wonder who passes these judgments and how they believe it. As a child, I preferred to be seen rather than heard. But it seems that does not work for me any more. I'm done with that. I prefer now to be heard rather than seen, because it is what matters and this marks the beginning of the plutonian phase in my life and with many more still approaching. But I can say I only got quiet because I had to hear a lot of other things because it's only then that I could. So I loved to just stare and listen.

If you're shy, do not ever overthink it. And I believe in you. You are not lesser than anyone and no one is greater than you in that sense. Everyone has a situation, most especially the cool ones. Anything psychological is just you. Anything of the mind is you. And when I mean of the mind, I mean anything mental. In fact, almost believe even that there is no such thing as trauma. They could be false and delusions. Even the world itself is a false place. It's only things of the spirit that are true, just like intuition, compassion, love, amongst others. 

Be good but limit your being too good because you could be the magnet for those who seek to destroy. Where there are people, others get the energy and where they are lesser, the others get energy. You can be shy and you can be introverted, needing to spend time alone when your battery gets full. So self esteem has nothing to do with introversion and even extraversion. It's either you have it or you do not. You can only be shy if you have a low self esteem so in essence, shyness is one of the results of a low self esteem.

When shyness meets your esteem, then anxiety develops and it starts occuring on the body and in the body. You get calm when you do something no one thinks you can. This is an advice. Get social. Make new friends. Don't make them think you are scared. If you're scared of the sound of your voice, then write. Write it all and release that gangster. Don't listen to the negative bullying voices in your head. The most important validation should come from yourself. When you do, you will never be affected. No one thinks of what gets into your head sometimes. An old Japanese Samurai proverb says, The hero lies in you. Do not speak bad of yourself. For the warrior within hears your words and is lessened by them. The anxiety deepens when you do just this.

The negative voices that'd hide in your head are not true because it's only you. Once you know that you belong, you won't be shy.

When you are shy, you are driven by what they think or rather, what you think and you do not own your confidence anymore. You place it upon people to judge and they will. But we all have something to hide and it's called shame, especially when one is met with bullying and aggression. Others are probably worried about themselves too. The only reason they'd start to notice you is when you do things they will not, when you are different from others, then they admire you and this happens when they are not like you and then they start to talk about you. Look at them as you'd see another you. You're self-conscious but aware of who you are. You're sensitive, you're caring, you're the best of friends and you are loved. Daring makes you braver. Daring is the courage to love yourself even when you risk disappointing others. 

What concerns me is not the way things are, but the way people think things are. 

-Epictetus

I'm extremely inhibited but right from a very young age and this is a quality people see in others that make people think they are not being sincere or they are 'fake' as they say. There is this shallow mindset of social life and personality is the sum of success. But the way you see yourself is the way you'd see another person which automatically means that one who thinks like that is one who thinks that he or she does not belong until they fit in, which they need someone like me to do to accept me, which inadvertently makes such a fellow lack a mind. When you look at yourself differently, it is the beginning of self assurance. I found esteem in realizing that I really am not alone, that I belong, just as I am, that we all belong regardless. Most of the judgment or opinions of people are motivated by self interest. It is a sort of defense mechanism to feel better than others. It's what is called judging. Sometimes they go with the flow and never stop to question and that is the beginning of ignorance; the influence of society.

Now there is the issue of rape; that which asks the question of power. It's either retaliatory or compensatory and based on the sexist attitudes of men who see women as masculine property. Men who rape, feel, that they prove their mankind to themselves and to others. In some cases, it could be spiritual, in other cases, incestuous mother's and drunken fathers' abuse, insensitivity on the part of parents who send children on unnecessary errands or hire teachers of opposite genders, homosexuality, motherlessness, ignorance or even fixation.

Sexuality's got less to do with begetting children. In fact it begins at earliest childhood (I'll have to divert a bit.) The body is a psychological experience and the act of rape is the invasion of one's psychological space and could lead to trauma or death dreams in the process of surpressing wishes of killing. Men who rape are weak and unsure of their masculinity. Consequence of rape is sexual dysfunction. This is why prominent characteristics of rapists are anxiety, depression and such conflicts. You see?

Rapists are emotionally impoverished, overwhelmed with sense of purposelessness, have strong sense of denial and are INCAPABLE of delaying gratification. Most prefer young and pretty females who are completely passive. The act of rape itself is an attempt to shore up on phallic pride and the weakness of an uninitiated ego entrapped in a phallic self-love, the love based on madness. One has to be careful in the kind of self love they engage in but that is for some other time. These kinds are the ones who engage in bullying acts. A son in the phallic stage blends with father, sees himself as an image of the father. One's energy is spent in seeking pleasure without any regard to what is fair and just. The ego is the phallus - the physical strength and sense of self-determination. 

Ego is confidence in one's ability. Children are those completely egoistic and feel their needs intensely and strive ruthlessly to satisfy them. The man who rapes is immature, ego-conscious and not different from a child. He cannot see from others' perspectives. Such people do not think of repercussions and follow reality (or self interest, maybe this is why I always think I'm cynical) but not morality, which is the true guide - the choice of good and bad. Of course, life is in twos. One cannot be without there being another or an opposite.

Low self esteem causes war. One of the reasons war is formed is due to low IQ. One cause of war is prejudice, as it is mostly started when there is an opposite and very prejudicial people are those with very low IQ. To have esteem means to be passionate about who you are and you are not passionate until you know yourself and once you do, you are acknowledging both male and female in you. This is the inner guide. Without your inner guide, you could start a war. Low self esteem is very dangerous. The female in you is the wisdom, which you have to listen to everyday while the male is your willpower. Learn to make your ego and superego work together for your good.

Evil' is not beneficial. It is chosen knowingly and a poor choice. You make a choice in your life to either remain ignorant or seek wisdom in order to understand. Socially, ignorance itself is unfortunately not different from victimhood. It is a state of psychological imbalance and immaturity. It is a self-incurred immaturity. In that case, you become a victim of your own illusions. I can say ignorance for such a man as the one referred to, is bliss because he has no story; they never own their stories. So you get to decide either to experience and learn from it or become a self-destructive 'ignoramus'. 

Moreover, with regards to peer pressure, there is no such thing. Men want to know people like themselves. A rose can live amongst the thorns and yet never be injured by them. So when someone speaks about something of your interest, you get motivated, not pressurized. It is your innermost self that guides you to making such options. He has given you the freedom to live. And your destiny is determined by you; it has not just been written. This is why you have been gifted with choice. Everyday you have a choice to make and the choice is now. That is why the present is a gift known as the 'present'. You should be able to live a day like you're living and will have your last breath.

...He has placed you before you, fire and water: stretch out your hand for whichever you wish; that which delights your soul.

- Shams Tabrizi

Of course, something has to delight your soul. With regards to peer pressure, those who love adornments of various qualities can be thought of having issues with feelings of inferiority, rather than possessing aesthetic sensibility. I won't call it superiority but inferiority. It is a display of inferiority and not esteem. Esteem comes from the self and not any sort of material abundance.

These people are not influenced badly but only lack esteem, they try to become who they think they are supposed to be. But truth is you belong no matter what. You are worthy of love, if you think you are not then you are being discontented and you will seek and get that which you seek. These group of people are battling between who they are now and who they think they are supposed to be, which is their ideal self. Many of such people are really nice individuals. Many either battle with or ignore the present and this is why things do not happen the way it should for such fellows.

You criticise others a lot when you do not understand your own value. Esteem is only a step to respect. When you seek respect without being likeable, you will be thoroughly disliked. You do not force respect except you possess an inflated sense of important. You are not entitled to anyone's respect. When you are admired then you'd get respect, so why not first make yourself admirable so by doing so, you'd be nicely refusing to get disrespected. You can only be truly admirable when you have that esteem, respect, empathy and such qualities as these. Respect is not just respect. Respect and responsibility go hand in hand. Later on, I'd give you facts about respect. So you should know yourself, find your style and be able to choose your aesthetic. Admire. It's not really hard to love anyone when you see just them without placing judgment, it is when you recognize the human in them and this happens when there's vulnerability. It is this which makes us belong. It's us and not what we do or know.

The presence of a disowned self and being out of touch with your inner world decreases self esteem. You have self esteem when you accept both your light and darkness and see it as part of being human. When you seek recognition through relationship, marriage, giving, dressing, doing all sorts of things, not wholeheartedly but doing things at the expense of other things, then you are only living beased on approval and desperately want to be accepted. Self esteem has nothing do with boastfulness or shyness. It has nothing to do with pride in one's own humility. It is only contentedness that matters in esteem. It's about being enough, feeling enough, being self assured even when you do nothing. Allow people do things for you if you want to be respected, just let them. That is humility. And they'll likely do it over and over again until it turns into respect. It's a type of love language.

I AM ENOUGH!

Self esteem is a sense of pride, it's kind of being confident in who you are, in everything you are, your skin, your life, your opinions, your personality. Confidence comes from knowing who you are and bring proud of it. Never lose your personality, even when in love. Always be yourself. Being yourself does not mean limiting yourself. But never look for solutions outside of yourself. Your only solution is you. If you do not take hold of your power, the power- hungry will snatch it from you. You can only be the master of yourself. When you are, you have no problem with being slave to the world. You can be the sweetest person in the whole world, whom everyone else likes but don't be a fool and neither should that drive you into becoming stupid. You are truly confident when you know you belong, culture does not drive you, nothing does, not opinions, only life. 

This confidence is silent because you own it and it's you who feels these emotions. Your confidence is not dependent on anything, it's real and not superficial. No one stops it and no one stops you. Pride is an emotional reward for achievement but not always, it is only when you do what you want and have achieved your innermost wishes. Self esteem is trusting your mind and thoughts because you are passionate about who you are. If you have the right self esteem, then you will be motivated no matter what. Nothing about yourself is stopping you. Authentic pride is innate and remains in you, with no show of boasting or arrogance. It does not even affect you. You're not out there to prove anything anyone but to live as it comes; to enjoy because you know it is within you and no one can take it from you. Things that come from within are self love, self respect. It's of the 'self', not others. It's not what you have that matters. It's what you offer, sometimes you have to quit thinking about you and think of others. And as you do something for yourself, you do for someone else. They can grab the ideas but it will always be yours and nothing really gets to be yours until you have given it out. Remember, you could be egoistic and be proud, you could have self esteem and be. Both differ. Those with low self esteem will humiliate and bully others to be recognized. They will self-compare with everyone else and conceive negative attributes through these and they get sad. But no one really is to be blamed. These unwarranted human behaviours are mostly passed unto generations through genes.

Everyone possesses an ego. So what's the foundation of your self esteem? Ego?

Ego is the root cause of shallow self esteem, which brings us to pride based on over-confidence, more like pride in one's own humility. Is that not madness now?

Those with esteem are those with experience, self actualization, awareness of flaws and most especially, pride. Those with the right self esteem do not want to be superior and do not measure their worth by what they do or achieve or their skills and knowledge. They are not in competition or any struggle and do not compare themselves to every living creature they come across, they are just happy with who they currently are and are happy learning. True maturity is not being riled by ego which could be pride, status or money, amongst others. Self esteem is what you acquire. It is in the self. You are not given.