Criticism I

Learn the truth, never assume

Understand the plight, never judge

Put yourself in someone's shoes, never hurt.

Think before you act, reason before you react...

-Kemi Sogunle 

No one has it all figured out, especially not the people who are acting like they do and judging you because of it; pretending to be something you aren't because you're trying to get kissed up or please a bunch of judgmental hypocrites thereby losing yourself, is not the way to be happy. Only when you are evolved and live for you, will you realise that the goal is not to be liked. Strive healthy and focus on you to avoid competition. Living the life you want to live is the way to be happy. If you are truly happy, you will not think you have to do something for someone before they can be happy. They also have lives to live.

All of your anxiety is because of your desire for harmony. Seek disharmony and you will gain peace. 

-Rumi 

If you realise that everyone is an individual with his own unique part to play, then the power of tolerance is easy to develop. The person who does not see the human in others is not an human being himself. If you do not realise that it is in human nature to have the good and bad side, then you are unevolved as a person. The key to happiness is to have balance in all situations. To live intentionally and wholeheartedly is the key to happiness.

Judging

Never praise or blame people on common grounds; look into their judgment exclusively. Because that is the determining factor, which makes everyone's actions either good or bad.

-Epictetus 

But forget judging, you get judged and judge everyday, just like me, I am very hypercritical, of even myself. But a judgmental spirit is not good. We judge by mere appearances instead of doing it correctly. You find the most little faults in another and then get angry when you are not perfect yourself. What about you? Most people get so paranoid that they do not see what they do wrong. I've seen people who will mistreat others when they make mistakes but make the same mistakes but nothing is done about that. What causes the most pain, the mistake or the criticism for the mistake? 

Mistakes are not always bad. Making mistakes are your experiences and you learn not to repeat them again. Success comes from experience and experiences come from bad experiences. I have a question for you, who has the problem between the accused whose action was unintentional and the guilt-tripper and self-righteous accuser? Judging itself is different from hypocritical judging. Hypocrisy is a form of ignorance. Hypocrites see and judge at face value. Some people judge, define based on face value and assume. Hypocrites will care about those small things but not the important ones. 

Try to see others for who they are. This is not about what they do and what they never do. It is not seeing them as what you expect them to be or what they pretend to be. It's not looking at how one dresses before you like them. It is being connected as 'humans'. It's the first thing. How I dress does not determine who I am, it's same for how you dress. It is only our feelings, habits, uniqueness and all of such that make us who we are, not our mistakes or appearances. 

Think about the tale of the man, his son and his donkey who kept switching places based on judgment. It's even hurtful when someone unusual walks into a crowd of people and all eyes turn, fixated upon him (in a judging manner); that special stare usually reserved for such people. The thing is you do not have to please anyone. People only see what they want to and the more intelligent people will stare at walls or the sky, more than at other people. Do not be afraid to do something just because you are scared of what people are going to say about you. People will judge you no matter what. But come to think of it, the son of God does not even judge. People's judgments are based mainly on themselves and that is how they are, not you.

Sometimes you do not do the good you want to do but instead, do the evil that you do not want to do. Sin dwells within you. No man is holy but fleeing from sin and abiding in goodness makes you righteous. Something is wrong with you if nothing appears to be wrong with you. There is evil so by all means you do the evil you do not want to do. This is why it feels much better to be in attunement with the universe. You will be less focused on your body or what goes on around you, nothing matters anymore, except what goes on within. You are immune to criticism, there is only love and no vengeance or anger. 

When you claim to know what is right, tell and want others to do what is right when you cannot even see what you are doing wrong. You teach but have not listened to teachings neither have you taught yourself. You practice your righteousness in front of others just to be seen. You just do it for earthly gain. It's the same as being praised by fame. When you seek approval from others, and concern yourself only with how you are judged by others, then you are not living your own life. You are the only one concerned about how you look to others, the ones concerned about how you look, most of the time, have not given themselves enough time to check themselves out. In madness lies sanity. From now on be mad.

Everyone seems to have a clear idea of how other people should lead their lives, but none about his or her own. Recognise others first, give first, help first. When you do this, you will be recognised. Nothing that you have not given away will ever be really yours. But in doing all this, remember to be good. Until we can receive with an open heart, we are never really giving with an open heart. Learn to also receive. This is what is called humility. Do things for others out of freewill. The earth loves the moon and sun, provides rain with nothing in return because that is what they are made for. That is the human connection. 

Even to love a man enough to help him, you have to forfeit the warm, self-righteous glow that comes from judging.

-Ron Hall 

When you seek validation from others thereby allowing yourself to be puffed up by praise and fame, then you will ultimately be destroyed by insult and defamation. Those will ultimately become your weakness and downfall. Appearing better than others is always dangerous, but the most dangerous of all is to appear to have no faults or weakness. You are either a dangerous person or you are not really living. That is not the definition of authenticity. As long as you are alive, you have a defect. Nothing is normal. No one is without a defect. Everyone has a personality disorder. But authenticity is cultivating the courage to be imperfect.

There may be one fault in a man that conceals a thousand qualities, or one excellence that conceals a thousand faults. The little indicates much.

-Shams Tabrizi

Opinion

Today people just say some things and assume it's a general rule. Because you're what? Many just enjoy living in their lies and limited perspectives. The boss would treat his staff like he is nothing, bearing in mind that there are others that are up to your task. Then you start to place expectations upon your people-replacements. This is a factor of infantilism and arrogance. I believe that there is something each person has to offer but many people do the wrong things especially in the wrong time. This topic is for some other time.

Opinion is really the lowest form of human knowledge. It requires no accountability, no understanding. The highest form of knowledge is empathy, for it requires us to suspend our egos and live in another's world. It requires profound purpose larger than the self kind of understanding.

-Bill Bullard 

Never make a decision depending on opinions. The only decisions you make should be of use to you and only you now and later. This is definition of living. Acknowledge the fact that everyone is different and unique in their special ways and this is where we find connection. It's the flaw, the weirdness, that makes you special. When you live for others, for you, it leads to nowhere. This is especially for perfectionists who never do anything but criticise everything. There are others called perfectionists who always have something to hide for fear of rejection. They fear failure and one who is scared to fail will never start anything or complete anything. These people lag in the process of achieving their goals. They often hide so as to not be disgraced. These perfectionists always have something to hide. They are ineffable and do not like criticism so they do. So they live only in the mind. Shame loves them.

Perfectionists have fixed mindset. If you only pursue the good and don't want to see the bad, this is fear of failure. Life won't be interesting. You do not want to see anyone dancing amongst people or doing their favorite things because you fear these are flaws. When you don't live in the present, always running into the future, you won't see the gifts of the present. If you don't want anyone to see your flaws, then the wrong people will come to you, especially those that do not like to see it. 

If you make too much rules and have expectations, that is how your life will be too, limited. And there is something else: Live beyond people's expectations of you. Out of anxiety, out of what people think of them, some people do things. Do not just listen to what others think of you, particularly those who do not know you. The thoughts are not yours so never take criticism to heart. This shows the power of your self love. Just try being the best version of yourself. Try to love who you are right now, never succumb to compete with others and do not expect to get what you give. None cares. Don't seek validation. it's only you who sees your magnificence. The first to be aware of your loyalty and love is you.

To avoid criticism, say nothing, do nothing, be nothing. 

-Aristotle

If you live according to what others think of you, you have no notion of self. Being so optimistic and too nice is the beginning of hypocrisy and you will continue to be criticised. You therefore will get angry only when you are not recognised. If you don't know your flaws, someone else will seek it and if you don't know it, you'll be greatly affected by criticism. Your flaw is what makes you unique. This consistency of always being good or the people-pleasing attitude does not always end well. The lack of value is the end result. 

You will see that there are some signs of lower self esteem in judgmental and critical people and that is a first sign because they pass onto their victims, low confidence. But in this world, only hypocrisy makes people happy and truth makes them sad. And you really still want to be liked? It's the irony of life. You have to live with the people in hypocrisy for them to stay happy with you. The biggest regret that people have on their deathbed is that they lived the life expected of them instead of a life true to themselves. This is why some people die looking lost and unfulfilled.

You should seek your own critics, your own worthy opponents. Bear in mind that the most critical people are the most unhappy. Try to be like the ground which takes in our compost and grows beauty. Take criticism as motivation. If you have a low self esteem, you'd take criticism to heart. Understand that failure is part of life's motivations. 

What you say will never determine how I am, really. If you understand your value, you cannot be discouraged by critics. I can recount the bible also reads that it is a badge of love to accept valid criticism. Even destructive criticism has to be responded well to. Of course, except the reason for criticism is only a personal or emotional argument, criticism gives in-depth knowledge so you are not just in the box but understand other points of view. 

Do not be heartbroken by criticism. Everything we hear is an opinion, not a fact. Everything we see is a perspective, not the truth.

-Marcus Aurelius 

Misconceptions

Most people will always see what they expect. Because we expect people who are in a certain role or part of a social group to behave in a particular way, our initial impressions of a person frequently rely on these mental shortcuts to make fast judgments of how we expect people to behave, thereby putting them in classifications. It is not different from expectation. People do not have to be who they are or what they believe themselves to be, so they change. It is only God that remains the same. 

See for example, David and Goliath, definitely, God is limitless. People change or go through phases but the personality, which is how you behave, is dormant. You were born with your personality, it was not transferred to you neither can it be changed through any means. This is your distinctive quality and uniqueness. And someone who does not love you for that, is not true to you. If you are also not stable with it, then something is wrong with you. You can actually do anything, be anything but you are still who you are. 

Our expectations influence how we view others and how we think they should behave. Our perceptions of others are often based upon things such as expected roles, social norms and categorizations. When you call yourself a Christian, you'd be seen as one and when you say you are Muslim and they see you as their  expectations of you because they have placed meanings on these terms. They judge you by what you have defined yourself as. They do not see you just as you are but find something to fit. This is a case of misplaced identity. When one is so dogmatic, indirectly, the person cuts short his happiness and proves that he is not in just anyway worthy of happiness.

But would you rather like someone to hate you for who you are or love you for who you are not? When people say "you've changed", there's a 95% chance that you just stopped acting the way they wanted you to. It is mostly due to selfish expectations. Your change could be overwhelming for some and rejuvenating for others. People's opinion of you are theirs. It's their burden. You know your own true character (that is if you even know it). Why should they make you feel bad by working hard to stop you when they should apply it to their growth. They do the worst even when the best ideas exist. They depend only on one reason or backstory for a lot of things. The narrow-minded never change their minds even when better ideas pop in.

When we choose to be true to ourselves, the people around us tend to struggle to make sense of why and how they are changing, others even get uncomfortable with it, when it's not even their task. Some fear, some find inspiration, others find competition, many ignore perceive it is too much, thereby abandoning them. This is referred to as 'authenticity practice', as Brown Brené calls it.

She's eighteen, she should be like this, sixty and you expect us to act that. We be like, she's eighteen so I do not expect her to watch cartoons anymore or she's twenty-six, she should be married now. How do you think it works, is it not people your age or even older, giving voices to those animated characters. Some will criticise a man of God for being inside a jet. One example of difference between observation and perception is that of a little girl falling off an elevator because of inexperience and then someone rushes to her just to lift her but then the person out of impulse, puts a leg on the elevator. What do you expect? Should he just stay there and return or fall like the little girl? Majority of people will ask, what is the essence of him coming to help her. Only few will understand what he is really up to. (Did I just really make that up?!)

Another example is when someone old and someone quite younger get attracted to each other but all you see is age, height, wealth and so on and so forth. But you do not see the connection. You only admire if you wish to and criticise if you wish to. We glance through our instagram feed, look at TikTok and listen to bunch of people's opinions and transfer to anybody else who cares to listen. People can say anything, it does not make it truth. Most people go ahead to say things based on little or no information or knowledge. It is their perception which could even be a mistake. Instead of doing something worthwhile, some go to negatively criticise that which others do.

If we all did the things we are capable of doing, we would literally astound ourselves. 

-Thomas A. Edison

If you don't want to do something, don't impose on others. You do something everyday and you say, that's who I am. No, it's wrong, you've put yourself in the box already. You can be other things. You are neither your mistakes nor the situation you meet yourself or even your religion or subgroups. You can do anything but not everything is your thing. You are human. That's what we are together for. It's the connection. People should really try to distinguish between right and wrong in daily affairs. It matters; do not enforce your own habits upon someone else. Humanity is bothersome. This is why all problems today are interpersonal relationship problems and the only solution to this problem is separation of tasks. Let others take responsibility for their own actions. Then we can be of help if need be. 

Everyone has his or her strength and weakness. One may not be the best at everything, like you who tries to or the best at everything. Do not call them 'not smart' because you are more experienced. Though there are many ways to be smart. It is not being good at just everything. Smart people are not supposed to be good at everything, most especially not the most absurd of things. Do not underestimate because when that one thing comes, which is a 'thing' for them, when none other can come to be as good as they are or can (which makes our creativity and habits define us), everything and everyone will be okay.

Everyone likes the blue eyes, they like the gap teeth, they love the dimple, they love the dreads. But once such is exhibited in behavior, it's dreaded. This is because people are more interested in the appearances. So height does not determine the goodness of a person, skin complexion does not, locs does not, body shape does not. You are not your body, thought, belief, religion or the situation you meet yourself. Your skin color does not define you. Your pains, feelings, habits, most of these things are beautiful, all these make you who you are so why not love it.

The way to live is to run from what's comfortable. Forget safety. Live where you fear to live. Destroy your reputation. Be notorious. From now on, be mad.